On Living

One of the first challenges I encountered when thinking about starting a blog on anxiety and my eating disorder was non-identification. A huge component of therapy and mental health practices is not identifying yourself with your emotions or mental health challenges…essentially, they don’t define you as a person. How then, do you write a very public facing blog on all those things, without them defining you? Interesting.

I’ll find a solution to that by way of introducing myself. I’m Matt…I love the outdoors – all things mountain biking, hiking, backpacking, hunting, and camping – breweries, sports, helping people, my friends & family, working hard, good cups of coffee, reading, occasionally breaking the law, and ensuring that every day is an adventure in some form. In addition to those things, I work on mental health challenges that include an eating disorder and anxiety. Notice which items I put first? Simple right? I wish.

At its core, this blog and the writings that will be contained within are meant to help people experiencing pain or suffering (pain is mandatory, suffering is optional…more on that later). It still sounds very cliche, but it holds true that if these writings could inspire just one person to seek help, to not suffer alone, or if they read something I write and it hits them at just that right moment where the day and time aligns and your emotions are mixing in just the right concoction where you experience even the faintest glimpse of light that there is a way to rise above all this…then it will have succeeded. Because there is always a way above all of this, even if you can’t see how yet. Trust and faith are key.

In the forthcoming writings, I’ll discuss my experiences with an eating disorder (Anorexia), perfectionism, anxiety, and all the accompanying emotions and thought-processes that come along with those. I’ll dive into my direct experiences, challenges, victories, therapy, practices that have helped, practices that haven’t helped, detailed emotions, and likely some outdoor adventure stories to spice it up. Because that’s more me than any of all this.

When thinking of titles for my blog, I wanted something that made practical sense but that also told a story. One of the biggest pieces of advice my therapist has given me was that the search for gratitude can often times be more profound than the end result. That this search, this intentionality, this thought process, this outlook you develop, can be more powerful than what you’re hoping to achieve in 1, 5, or 10 years, or a lifetime. That by way of seeking gratitude, you become grateful for the ordinary moments in life that truly make it worth living. That you end up being grateful for the current instead of constantly trying to see what’s next. This dynamic really resonated deeply with me when I was on a mountain trip with a close friend in the Sangre de Cristo mountain range in south central Colorado. We had just completed a successful summit attempt of Crestone Peak, and were in the process of descending a steep gully to the base of the mountain. During that descent, we looked to the south for a moment and a mountain goat stood on a large outcropping of the neighboring Crestone Needle. The sunrise was just so that it was still silhouetting the entire amphitheater of peaks and rock formations that were in front of us, and also the mountain goat itself. We were passing by in his kingdom, and I’ve rarely felt so small, but so alive. It was majestic…awe-inspiring. During that trip, I was searching for gratitude…but it centered around the large objectives – successful summits of the Peaks. And while I was grateful for safe summits during both of those attempts, it’s often the mountain goat that my mind goes back to. Not because I am lessening the summits, but because oftentimes the search for the small moments leads to a much grander, more wholehearted, large moment. Always search. You’ll be surprised that maybe the grand moments you’re looking for were always here in front of you, waiting to be seized.

I’ll be writing here approximately once a week, depending on time and life commitments. If you have any comments throughout my posts, concerns, questions, or just want to chat, please feel free to reach out via the links on my site or my social media pages. If you do have critiques, I just ask that you keep them respectful.

Also, if you’re ever having a bad day, just see Remba. Bye for now.