Hi all! Apologies there was a time gap since my last post…job application stress is real :). And, I was out in Crested Butte camping with the cows (above).
2020. The year of…something. Change, stress, pain, suffering, uncertainty, upheaval, distress, sadness, anxiety, and resiliency. As I write this, I still struggle to find the correct words to articulate what 2020 is…maybe because it’s still evolving? Maybe because it’s hard to articulate SO much change and pain? I was talking with a friend the other day relative to what 2020 has been, and I mentioned that usually you could play the “what might have been” game with a situation like this, and maybe it provides some good context or at least some comfort in knowing that you were CLOSE to having something good, or that something good was still there, even if it was in an alternate path. Something fun to at least entertain to escape reality for a moment. However, I mentioned to her that 2020 is SO different, that it’s not even possible to play that game. The world has literally been turned on its head, and so it makes it impossible to envision what might have been, because, it’s just, not even fathomable to identify what different route your personal narrative could have taken if <INSERT PANDEMIC, NATURAL DISASTERS, JOB LOSS, CANCELLED TRIPS, ETC> didn’t happen. It all happened. Our lives have all taken such different paths this year that the struggles with uncertainty is the new reality.
I write the above not as a pessimist, but as a realist (and optimist) who finds comfort in accepting what has happened. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement (more on that later), but acceptance offers a profound sense of peace in accepting that there’s nothing you can do to change the present situation or circumstances. It does not mean you can’t affect change moving forward, but that you cannot change what you are feeling or going through right now, in this moment. (As an aside, play with that dynamic in your everyday life, in any situation, and see what peace you may be able to find :). Tara Brach has some amazing stuff on Radical Acceptance).
One attribute or skill that I’ve found in affecting change moving forward is leaning into resilience. We humans – to the contrary of what our many creature comforts afford us – are an incredibly resilient species, both biologically and psychologically. We bounce back. We fight. We adapt. We accept change (sometimes painstakingly, but we eventually do). Some of this might be out of necessity, some of it out of force, some of it out of the knowledge that it’s the best for us. Lucy Hone has an amazing Ted Talk on Resilience…highly recommend. Some of the following content will be from that Talk.
One of the biggest things I think in building resilience is accepting that shit happens. Pain happens. Suffering (can) happen. And none of us are immune to it. Some of us may be blessed with circumstances that haven’t opened us up to a lot of pain, and that’s so gratifying if that’s the case, however, most of us have and will continue to experience pain. (For the suffering “can” happen above…early on in therapy, Jennifer told me that humans will experience pain. That’s not an option. Pain is part of life. However, we only experience suffering if we fail to accept the pain. Now, I don’t say that lightly or that acceptance is as easy as saying “I accept, OK, all better!”. Acceptance is hard – very hard – sometimes. It takes work. But, knowing that acceptance is the end goal and something to work towards can provide comfort in the interim). Pain & suffering don’t discriminate. Sinking into that notion and seeing that we’re all experiencing pain & suffering in some form makes us, as humans, feel not discriminated against. Some of us (myself included) have a tendency to feel pain & suffering and think that “oh my gosh, this is SO bad because I am the only one going through this.” That line of thinking amplifies the pain & suffering. However, “this” is happening to almost all people at some point in their lives. Your pain is still unique to you, but generally speaking, it’s happening all over. This line of thinking makes it more manageable and enables a sense that you have reinforcements – your friends, family, and larger social networks – to lean on and have a shared experience with. And we as humans need those shared experiences. No matter if we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in the middle, we are, at our most basic level, social creatures. Seeing pain & suffering through that lens can help us better understand our pain & suffering in the larger context of life.
Also, another thing I found to help for building resilience is that – as I mentioned earlier – adversity doesn’t discriminate. It’s an equalizer. It’s a leveler. It doesn’t pick color, gender, sex, age, or social class. I say that meaning that we can use adversity as a HEALING mechanism…something to “bond” over, something to connect the dots between our differences rather than seeing our differences as a threat. This dynamic holds true especially in today’s culture. This thought pattern can then take on a form of altruism…helping people through pain softens your pain. It all speaks back to us being social creatures and connecting with others as the ultimate resource and relief. If we could, just for a minute, realize that all of us this year – no matter if it’s the protesters, the cops, the hurricane & wildfire victims, the unemployed, the sick, the uncertain, the just-general-what-the-fuck-is-going-on – are experiencing pain, than maybe we can at least unite under that banner. Because we are all human.
So, go forth with resilience, or cultivating resiliency skills, and blend it with some optimism, and everything will be alright. I promise. Also, you know another good way to build resilience…searching for gratitude :).
I also took Remba on his first 14er this past weekend…photo below. First ascents and big things are still possible in 2020. I also thought it was fitting that the haze in the background is from massive wildfires burning in Colorado (and the West)…something like staying positive in the midst of obscene challenges? The metaphor is there somewhere.
The Search for Gratitude 